Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Coming out of the (water) closet

The first time I had an incident, I was 4. I vaguely remember telling my mother that I had decided I would go to the bathroom standing up...."just like my friend Kyle." The declaration came after a very private conversation between myself and Kyle. Crouched behind our babysitter's couch he told me that he "went potty outside. standing up." Um, WHAT?!?! HELL TO THE NO. I was outraged. This seemed more unfair than having to take a nap in the "girl's" room. I wanted to go to the bathroom upright. It seemed so much easier. And more convenient. Of course, this was well before I understood the workings of biology. But my mom humored me and thus began Phase One in the long history of bathroom incidents.

Phase two was the privacy phase. I would rather cower in my sleeping bag at slumber parties with my body filled to the brim with fluid than go to the bathroom at any friend's home. The reason? I was horrified at the thought of a male stumbling into the restroom on me. I didn't have brothers. I didn't live with my dad. I guess I just assumed that males barged into bathrooms without knocking. I would later discover a horrible irony.

Phase three was the safety phase. This girl wasn't about to sit her bottom on a dirty, public restroom toilet seat. I think I went years without seeing the inside of public restrooms. And if I was forced, it was two toilet liners for me. Then I read an article about how you were more likely to get some sort of disease from the faucet sink than the toilet and I moved on....

Phase four was the gross out phase. I had a roommate. And for some reason she could only go to the bathroom when I was in the shower. Didn't get it. Still don't. But I do get that I don't get down with that. Nope. You are not allowed to do things on the toilet when I am showering. You know why? Because that's gross. GROSS. We had to have a come to Jesus. Also in the conversation I asked her to stop leaving globs of toothpaste in the sink. You know why? Because that's gross too. Both behaviors stopped, yet, I have no doubt that her husband can never take a damn shower in peace.

The current phase is the confusion phase. No matter how many times I check the sign on the door or use the same restroom, whenever someone enters the bathroom when I'm in the stall I have the horrible thought that I am in the wrong bathroom. I immediately check under the door to make sure the shoes are those of a woman. I have no idea why this is...I have used the bathroom in my office building at least 500 times yet I always have the fear that I'm in the men's rest room.

Yeah...weird. But at least I'm not sitting upon 40 toilet seat covers. Or worse...standing up.


Blogger Sarah said...

haha how funny...i once had a roomate who would go to the bathroom w/ the door open, and when i asked her if she could shut the door, she acted like i was the crazy one, she insisted that this was a customary procedure, after much go around, i made her see how ridiculous it was...:)

Blogger Kourtney said...

Reading it for the second time, it still made me laugh so hard that I almost had an "accident" ;)

As I told you when I read it, my comment to you is that my first accident that I can remember was on your friend Ryan's tree house. I didn't want to go home b/c I was afraid to miss something...I am also sure that I asked you if you would walk me home and you said no! (Okay I might have made that up but it sounds like something that might have happened!

Anonymous peter said...

So what was this horrible irony? I hope it was better than your female roommate barging in while you were in the shower.

Blogger kristen said...

nope, that's it...women barge into bathrooms...not men.

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