Thursday, February 01, 2007
Morning person (and other contradictions)
I always thought I would marry a morning person. Not that it was a requirement or a deal breaker or anything...just thought it was fact. I'm really bad in the morning. Really. Bad. And it isn't just that I'm grumpy (although I am) is that I feel physically ill. Mornings make me ill. My stomach hurts. My head feels slightly detached from my body. My hands seem enlarged...almost cartoonish versions of themselves. Everything is slower and darker in the morning. I hate mornings. So, I always envisioned my partner gently waking my up with a cup of coffee and a little kiss. On the weekend the kiss would be the New York Times and the remote to control my Sunday morning shows. And I would nod a silent appreciative thank you. But he wouldn't try to engage me. Engaging me would only end up bad. Very bad. Scowling bad. Sighing bad.

Anyway...I didn't marry a morning person. To say the least. And I realized that I'm okay with that. You know why? Because the only thing more annoying than mornings are morning people. You know the people. The bound out of bed type. The talk a lot, hate to lounge around in bed, greet each day with a smile type. I hate that type. I would never be attracted to that type. I like the silent morning type. I like the sleep through the morning type.

This is the thing about morning people--morning people always try to convince non-morning people that "they won't be able to sleep in forever." My dad always used to tell me that the older I got, the less I would sleep. He's right. I don't need a lot of sleep. But I like my sleep to be in the mornings. I'm an insomniac who sleeps in (this behavior goes well with other contradictions that I have: despise tomatoes but love tomato flavored things, despise capitalism but embrace consumerism, want an individual look but try to cover up my freckles, etc, etc, etc). I don't always sleep well. Have many sleepless nights. But the morning comes and I'm in hibernation.

Morning people also imply that it is my choice to be a non morning person. Hinting that I can train myself to be a morning person. Untrue. Very untrue. I've trained myself to like mustard and white wine (mainly because I liked the aesthetic of both these products). I've tried to become a less aggressive driver. I've even tried to become a morning person. During the week I get up at the same time everyday. I catch up on the news, e-mails, blogs. I get caffeinated. I try to get pumped about the day. Doesn't work. Basically I just sit on the couch mad at the world. And after I eat, drink, shower and get dressed I start to feel half-way human. And then once the clock turns noon, I feel wholly human. At noon. NOON.

Because I liked my last Sarah Vowell venture so much, I picked up another book. Assassination Vacation. I love her writing style. Mainly because it reads like my inner thoughts. Look at what she writes about mornings...mornings with strangers...ick.

The real reason bed and breakfasts make me nervous is breakfast. As if it's not queasy enough to stay in a stranger's home and sleep in a bed bedecked with nineteen pillows. In the morning, the usually cornflake-consuming, wheat-intolerant guest is served floury baked goods on plates so fancy any normal person would keep them locked in the china cabinet...The guest, normally a silent morning reader of newspapers, is expected to chat with the other strangers staying in the strangers' home...I am the black hole of breakfast, a silent void of gloom sucking the sunshine out of their neighborly New England day.



Blogger erika said...

i too am not a morning person and nothing annoys me more than a cheery "hi! good morning! how are u! want some breakfast!?..blah! blah!" .......all i want to do is be sullen and despise the fact that i am not in bed still.

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