Thursday, April 12, 2007
All that is wrong in the world summed up in three words*
One day of the week, I do all my work at Panera bread. There were a few different reasons this decision was made...

1. I like soup. Maybe I've mentioned that before. Panera is a great place to get soup
2. I did a lot of work there once and I decided that Panera is a 'good place for me to do work.' And like the good little OCD person I am, I have followed through with that plan every. single. week. Think Michael Douglas' robe in Wonder Boys. Yes. I'm that kinda crazy.
3. At Panera I'm not distracted by the people that I often get distracted by downtown. You know--these people. Or other assorted hippies that wear Members Only Jackets and drink beer at all hours of the day.
4. But unlike other non-downtown establishments, Panera doesn't seem to attract a loud, noisy family crowd. There is no play-place. There are no french fries. In general, kids aren't really Panera-people. And I like that. I tend to think kids under the age of 18 are rather uncivilized, annoying, distracting and in most situations gross. Very gross. That is why when I have little K-Mac junior, she'll be locked in her room until she's learned to chew with her mouth shut, talk in complete sentences, and consume high brow entertainment and academic theory. At the very least, she won't be allowed in public. You know why? Because I understand that kids are annoying when they are out in the public. And if they aren't your kids?! Even more annoying.

But Panera...No kids at Panera.

Until yesterday. Yesterday some sort of memo went out that told all the stay at home moms and dads to bring their uncivilized beasts to Panera. There was also some sort of addendum that urged the parents to allow their children to approach the bitchy woman in the corner who hates them. "Send them over...have them touch her books and her computer" the memo said. "Let them make lots of noise and run around as to prevent her from having a SINGLECOMPLETETHOUGHT" the memo encouraged. "Let them sit on the table and scream for butter so the bitchy girl is so amazed at your COMPLETELACKOFPARENTINGHERHEADEXPLODES" the memo read.

Yes, readers....There was a child SITTING. ON. THE. TABLE. And he was SCREAMING THAT HE WANTED BUTTER. BUTTER. BUTTER. ONTHETABLE. WITHHISSHOESON. "I WANT BUTTER" he yelled. And the mother? Gave him butter...after she was done talking on the phone, of course.

* thought I was only going to say three words?! Silly reader.



Blogger Kourtney said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA Did you chuck butter at that mother's head???? Now THAT would have been funny to watch....picturing it in my head. Yup. Funny!

Blogger erika said...

maybe our kids can hang out in a room together and become civil together because i feel the same way. they can have all the butter they want as long as they are chewing it with their mouths closed.

Anonymous Rhet Twin said...

That kid is headed for a lifetime of high cholesterol, bad blood pressure, and misery. Butter=bad. Olive oil=yummy and tres chic:)

I hear ya on the kids... just wait until you have to babysit my illegitimate ones:) It could happen... any day now.

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