Wherein I say hello...

And that I've missed you. You know I don't apologize for neglecting this (optional) blog. But I will say that I'm missing the blog. If not the blog, the things the blog is indicative of. I miss having time to watch movies, read for pleasure, and think critically about political happenings. Generally speaking, if the blog is silent, my life is out of whack. I'm not in balance. I'm spending too much time thinking, obsessing, self-loathing and not enough time writing, arguing and enjoying. Alas, I fear this will be the story for the next 9 months or so. My dissertation is staring at me. And, believe me, it has crazy eyes. Most days, I do as well.

So bear with me...and think happy, intellectual thoughts for me.

The one in which I become that woman...

...The crazy woman.

8:59 am. Grocery store. Morning breath and hair. On the conveyor belt? Two boxes of brownie mix, some red wine and stamps. My nice southern clerk tilts her head and asks:

are you okay today?

I'm pretty sure there is an emergency prayer meeting in the break room right now.

The Professor as Open Book

The NYT has an interesting article about why professor's use the internet to disclose non-academic things about themselves. The article discusses how professors of all ranks use websites, blogs and social networking sites to reveal more personal information about themselves. The article interestingly asserts that it is part of a disturbing trend to treat professors not as teachers but as entertainers. While I agree with this basic statement, and it is a claim I've long used in the classroom, ("I'm not here to entertain you, I'm here to teach you and sometimes I may [unintentionally] do both." ), I don't think it gets at the reasons academics blog.

I am under no illusion that my students visit my blog and think "Kristen is SO funny. How have I not noticed this in class?" On the contrary. I suspect that any student who visits my blog who does not enjoy my class would quickly navigate away from it OR, worse, make fun of it. I do not blog for my students. I never encourage my students to "check out my blog" and am a tad creeped out by professors who attempt to connect with students via the internet. If I can't make a connection with one in the classroom, I certainly don't want to do it virtually. I don't use Facebook to reach out to students. Something that is missing from the NYT article is the idea that professors have friends, too! And we spend a tremendous amount of time on the computer and it helps (and hinders) our writing to have some recreational outlets on the net.

However, I do think my blog serves a pedagogical purpose. First and foremost, it keeps me connected to a more "popular" account of feminism.* What I mean, is that when I think about movies, books, television shows in an in depth way, I can bring in those thoughts to the classroom. Inevitably, my class responds more to a discussion about Juno than they do to a generic reproduction essay we've read for the day.

Blogging also has scholarly purposes. It helps to write. I know a lot of academics who blog daily. The daily blogging gets them started on their daily writing projects. It helps them organize their thoughts and/or try out new arguments that become part of scholarly essays. In short, it helps to write publicly. It also helps to belong to virtual networks. They are both heuristic and enjoyable.


* I use "popular" loosely. Obviously if feminism was popular, I wouldn't have near as much to critique.

Some words about writing

Before bed, I'm working my way through Gay Talese's A Writer's Life. It is a lovely, uplifting work. I love reading writer's observations about writing. They are always so descriptive and moving. I'm constantly nodding my head and thinking "yes, yes. exactly!" Especially on this passage:

Often I involve myself with two or three unrelated subjects at the same time, and I shift from one to another when I become bogged down and believe it wiser to put aside what I am doing and reappraise it at some point in the future...My curiosity drives me in different directions, but I until I have invested lots of my time--months, years--I have no idea whether a chosen subject will sustain my interest. Sometimes I toss into the trash various drafts of what I have written, while at other times I put them aside, file them away, reread them a year or two later, rewrite and refile them perhaps, or decide that they are not worth saving after all, and so I tear them up and rid myself of them forever. Writing is often like driving a truck at night without headlights, losing your way along the road, and spending a decade in the ditch.

I am still working on a piece that I started my first semester of my PhD work. It is now two years later and I still don't have it. I'm working on a new section of the literature review and I find myself really deflated and the excitement has most definitely waned. But the sad part is that it has taken me two years of aimless "driving" to arrive at this argument (the correct one) and now that I'm finally here, I want to stop. But I won't. Because that would be dumb.

Bad life decisions

There is a really funny Simpsons' episode that most graduate students know and love. Bart Simpson comically retorts that graduate students aren't bad people, they just make bad life choices.

The NYT pretty much sums up why the PhD is such a bad life decision.

The average PhD takes 8 years, 50% of people quit mid-way, and upon graduation (at a ripe old age of 32) are 50,000 in debt. Nothing like starting a career at 32.

Awesome.

The article, though, made me thankful for my program. Almost all people here finish in 4 years. And we're financially supported throughout our time. We also have the opportunity to work with amazing faculty and forge great friendships. The article doesn't speak to the benefits of continuing your education. And often I don't focus on those benefits either.

The top five reasons I'm happy to be a PhD student:

1. I'm getting (minimally) paid to think and develop ideas about really important issues of our time.

2. Every T/TH I have two classes filled with 43 students. The classroom space is such a rich place for great conversation, learning and activism. I've really grown to love teaching. And I think this is, in part, because I consider the classroom a political space. Not a space to brainwash or manipulate (a la Horowitz) but a space to encourage critical thinking and inspire the students to go out and get involved.

3. I have great colleagues and classmates. Since we have such a small program, I know everyone and their work, ideas and strengths. My classmates are my greatest academic resources.

4. My fabulous faculty. I get upset when I hear people criticize PhD programs as "cut throat" and "isolated." If that is the case, you are in the wrong program. Our faculty give up money so we have travel funding. They serve as mentors and cheerleaders. They encourage us to take risks with our work and thinking and they don't laugh at us when we fail.

5. College towns. I love where I live. Love this town and look forward to being able to relocate in another college town when I get a job.

Take that, NYT! I will not succumb to your negativity.

Worker's Comp

I've noticed this pesky bruise on my right wrist about an inch from my hand. It is painful and ugly. And since most people don't BRUISE THEIR WRISTS, I've spent the last 24 hours obsessing over the fact that I most definitely have cancer. It is most inconvenient as I don't have any time to go to the doctor this week and by the time I actually get checked out the cancer will have spread to all my internal organs and I will have finished all my papers this semester only to pass on. I kept thinking about the bruise because it hurt every single time I typed a word on my computer.

But then I thought...paper writing...computer...wrist constantly resting on the keyboard.

And I got embarrassed.

From T.S. Eliot

The last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first.

April is the cruellest month.

I hate starting papers. I hate April. I think I'll just sit around and read poetry.

So close to the end...yet so far...
*le sigh*

Hey! Good news!

And by good, I mean bad...and by bad, I mean not overly surprising...

Did you know the tenure process discriminates against women? Full story here.

Balancing family and work is one reason why achieving tenure is so difficult for women. The average age of someone applying for tenure is 33, and the review process takes about five years from the day he or she is hired at the institution. This coincides directly with when many women are considering starting families. “Fulfilling responsibilities is a 60- to 70-hour-a-week job. That’s the kind of commitment universities are looking for."... While work-life balance can be a challenge for men, too, women must handle the biological demands of pregnancy and are much more likely to become the primary caregiver for their children and the primary domestic laborer in their homes, even when both partners work full-time.

I know that balancing work and family is an issue for all career women who choose to become mothers. However, I can't help but reflect on how specifically unfair it is for academics. Not only have we been in school for ten years by the time we actually begin our careers but if we are unable to publish at a rate which is satisfactory to our institution, we have to leave. And by leave, I mean we're asked to go. You don't get to stay in un-tenured land forever. The demands of tenure are hard enough for people who don't have to give birth, breast feed, stay at home during a difficult pregnancy, etc, etc, etc.

I remember when I chose this career...one of the reasons I did was because of the "flexibility" the career provided.

Oh...so this is what they would write about....

'They' being my friends who are going to write that tell-all book about me.


Some commentary about rhetoricians...

...graduate students in the social sciences are early on initiated into the craft of research and publishing by participating on team projects, leading to multiple-authored publications (with the idea that the student eventually rises to the top of the "et al." list). Other than Celeste Condit's genetics project at Georgia, I can't think of an equivalent in rhetoric. Rhetoricians tend to be solitary (if not nasty, brutish, and short) in their habits.

Difference of opinion

K: So Edwards hired two bloggers over the weekend. That is their job...blogging... they are moving to Chapel Hill to blog...full time. I'd be really good at that...if I had all the time in the world to blog about politics?!

D: *blank stare*

K: You don't think I would be good at it?!?! *indignation*

D: I..I..I just don't think it is a real profession

K: *blank stare* I'm a graduate student....I spend my days in coffee shops....reading...legitimacy means nothing to me

Apparently I talk about technology now...

No topic is safe....

Have you heard that the new Microsoft software includes a voice command/speech recognition feature? You wear a headset and dictate text--including punctuation. I heard the story on NPR this morning and immediately started envisioning how I could use this feature in my writing life. It went something like this....

*relaxing on the couch, holding my tea cup, wrapped in a blanket*

"BRILLIANT THINGS *period* MORE BRILLIANT THINGS*comma*THE MOST BRILLIANT THINGS*period*"

Obviously everything I dictate would be art. How could it not be art? I would be wrapped in a blanket. I would be drinking tea. I would let the words come forth...spewing out a stream of brilliant. There would be no keyboard clicking to distract me from my thoughts...I could even walk around and think if I needed to....I talk with enough volume for the computer. Uh huh. There would be walking. There would be conversation. It all sounded so organic. So romantic. SOFREAKINGPERFECT. Yes. I HAVE TO HAVE THIS, I thought. I need the space to walk...and sit...and dictate. I must wear this headset.

(The fact that I am willing to overlook the extreme ridiculousness that headsets represent is significant. I once dated a guy who used a headset for his cell phone. I should have seen that as a warning. But THIS headset. THIS headset is better. More worthwhile)

I will buy it. I will have many, many lovely papers.

But then....then... I remembered what kind of writer I am.

*sitting upright at a table, with many tea cups beside me, staring blankly at the screen for hours*

"SOMEWHAT SMART THINGS*sigh*NO SMART THINGS*expletive*SILENCE*head in hands, much self loathing*STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS*including ellipses and many parenthesis to really explain things in a way that may turn into something smart later*MORE STREAMING*paragraphs that take up multiple pages*"

I don't think this would translate well. How would I dictate ellipses? Would the computer type "bang, bang, bang" when I was beating my head against the wall? Would it type "siiiigh?" If it did, I would throw my computer into the street...and watch from the window until it got run over by a bus. No. Two busses. Yes, the voice command system would force me to throw my computer into the street. I'm sorry, computer.

On a very related note (involving NPR and my writing style)....I just finished reading Sarah Vowell's (contributor to This American Life) Take the Canolli. Here is the best part of the very funny book:

Phone rang. It was Dave, a writer friend. We talked for over an hour, mainly about punctuation. He has big plans for the ellipsis. He’s mad for ellipses. I tell him, yeah, I have similar affection for the parenthesis (but I always take most of my parenthesis out, so as not to call undue attention to the glaring fact that I cannot think in complete sentences, that I think only in short fragments or long, run-on thought relays that the literati call stream of consciousness but I like to think of a disdain for the finality of the period). Dave is trying to decide whether he wants there to be a space before of after the ellipsis. He’s unsure. Is the ellipsis powerful because of what is not said after the dot dot dot, or is it a cheap excuse for not being able to verbalize? Conversely, do we parentheticals want to communicate by cramming more in, thus slapping what we’re not saying in between what we are, officially saying? Or is it because we can’t decide?

Exactly.

A sense of place

December is a stressful time for graduate students. That may explain my desire to curl up and sleep under this sign. Only, it was in a stairwell....so that would have been awkward and maybe even illegal.

Pedagogical inspirations

I am currently reviewing a book for one of our field's journals. The book is a wonderfully written piece about rhetorical listening. I am in love with it on so many levels. One particularly insightful chapter involves listening pedagogically. The author writes that teachers should articulate their own classroom assumptions before any course begins. She argues that such reflection is particularly important when teaching highly resistance-prone topics such as race and gender. And while reflection won't necessarily help forecast the outcomes of the class, they will make you more appreciative of any gains made in a classroom designed to make students more aware of privilege and status.

Her chapter made me acutely aware of my own lack of reflection about sensitive classroom topics. I often find myself frustrated with the lack of progress in the classroom--frustrated with students who struggle to grasp complicated notions of whiteness and male privilege. It is easier to come back to my office and complain rather than relish [and reflect upon] the educational opportunities the classroom provides to me—also a student. The author wrote something that is still ringing in my ears...."These goals may not be realized within a fifteen week course. Sometimes they are realized a few years later."

More info about the book forthcoming.